I just realized that I am the most honest when I have my hands on my keyboard, whether it be writing my blog, poetry, short stories. Whenever I write my truth comes out, my pain, my passion and even my confusion. i was told by doctor once that most great counselors where once extremely messed up patients. it makes sense in a way.
Today I feel reached my breaking point where everything in me was lost even my relationship with GOD. I found myself today alone in my room hysterically crying and yelling at GOD. You see my entire life all I ever wanted was a mother's love, I had a mother and I loved her until she died but I never felt that love in return until about a month before she died. That one thing that I wanted for so long and was just about to get and it was taken from me and honestly I never got over it and I am not sure if I ever will. I grew up twelve years of my life feeling like my own mother didn't love me and as soon as I started to feel the love it was snatched. I think apart has been kind of mad at GOD for the last thirteen years but Ive just been afraid to admit. I know in my heart that everything happens for a reason but knowing doesn't stop the pain or the longing.
I've endured a lot in life, I almost died three months before high school graduation, I've failed more than I have succeeded, I have been used and under appreciated but somewhere in me I felt like I was getting what I deserved. Its was like stepping into a boxing ring with a heavy weight and having no intention of fighting back, lets just say that I have taken every punch life has given but today was my TKO. So, because I spent the majority of my life longing for attention to fill void I had in my heart, i learned to also become a people pleaser; doing, saying and giving into the expectation and the wants of other. Feeling like just being myself wasn't enough. So, the only time that I can be and show my real self is when I write I guess because I can always save, erase and edit a document but not my life.
I would be lying if I said that even right now as I right this , it's coming from a broken place. I am tired, confused and hurt. When I tell people I just want the pain to stop the instantly think I'm talking about suicide and honestly if this was a year ago they would be right on but I am not in that place in anymore but I am broken and in need of a healing. I have been carrying this pain around for too long, allowing myself to be punished for too long, I have lost my identity all because I didn't or I guess don't know how to love myself without conditions which is funny because I can love others that way or at least I thought I did but truth is all the love I give all comes or came with one condition which was , " even if you don't love me foreal just pretend too and I'll give you all that I go". Sounds pretty broken.
My mother's death broke my heart and I have been afraid to admit it, to admit that even though i trust GOD that it's not a complete trust because I was angry at him for taking away my mother and not sending me someone to fill that void. I know my mother loved me, I just wanted and needed to feel that love. Again, I know that all things happen for a reason and maybe I had to go through all of this just for him to get where I need to be in order to be healed. I don't know what my purpose in life is, I am still trying to figure out who I am.
I really want to say that my heart is whole and I feel so much better but I don't and it's not. But I am open to infinite possibility that GOD can and will heal me if I put complete trust in him. The void will always be there be when I am able to love myself and truly feel worthy of that love that the pain will become more tolerable. I know that there are no answers in the darkness but sometimes you have to go through it in order to get to the light.
My life is a mess wrapped in a blanket of confusion but I am willing to share it with the world if it means that it helps one person who maybe going through a similar situation. GOD doesn't make mistakes , we were all created for a reason. We may not understand his process or even agree with his methods but I personally believe that he always have out best interest at heart. I said good bye to my mother thirteen years ago but I kept the pain and anger, so now I am ready to let the go as well.
Today I feel reached my breaking point where everything in me was lost even my relationship with GOD. I found myself today alone in my room hysterically crying and yelling at GOD. You see my entire life all I ever wanted was a mother's love, I had a mother and I loved her until she died but I never felt that love in return until about a month before she died. That one thing that I wanted for so long and was just about to get and it was taken from me and honestly I never got over it and I am not sure if I ever will. I grew up twelve years of my life feeling like my own mother didn't love me and as soon as I started to feel the love it was snatched. I think apart has been kind of mad at GOD for the last thirteen years but Ive just been afraid to admit. I know in my heart that everything happens for a reason but knowing doesn't stop the pain or the longing.
I've endured a lot in life, I almost died three months before high school graduation, I've failed more than I have succeeded, I have been used and under appreciated but somewhere in me I felt like I was getting what I deserved. Its was like stepping into a boxing ring with a heavy weight and having no intention of fighting back, lets just say that I have taken every punch life has given but today was my TKO. So, because I spent the majority of my life longing for attention to fill void I had in my heart, i learned to also become a people pleaser; doing, saying and giving into the expectation and the wants of other. Feeling like just being myself wasn't enough. So, the only time that I can be and show my real self is when I write I guess because I can always save, erase and edit a document but not my life.
I would be lying if I said that even right now as I right this , it's coming from a broken place. I am tired, confused and hurt. When I tell people I just want the pain to stop the instantly think I'm talking about suicide and honestly if this was a year ago they would be right on but I am not in that place in anymore but I am broken and in need of a healing. I have been carrying this pain around for too long, allowing myself to be punished for too long, I have lost my identity all because I didn't or I guess don't know how to love myself without conditions which is funny because I can love others that way or at least I thought I did but truth is all the love I give all comes or came with one condition which was , " even if you don't love me foreal just pretend too and I'll give you all that I go". Sounds pretty broken.
My mother's death broke my heart and I have been afraid to admit it, to admit that even though i trust GOD that it's not a complete trust because I was angry at him for taking away my mother and not sending me someone to fill that void. I know my mother loved me, I just wanted and needed to feel that love. Again, I know that all things happen for a reason and maybe I had to go through all of this just for him to get where I need to be in order to be healed. I don't know what my purpose in life is, I am still trying to figure out who I am.
I really want to say that my heart is whole and I feel so much better but I don't and it's not. But I am open to infinite possibility that GOD can and will heal me if I put complete trust in him. The void will always be there be when I am able to love myself and truly feel worthy of that love that the pain will become more tolerable. I know that there are no answers in the darkness but sometimes you have to go through it in order to get to the light.
My life is a mess wrapped in a blanket of confusion but I am willing to share it with the world if it means that it helps one person who maybe going through a similar situation. GOD doesn't make mistakes , we were all created for a reason. We may not understand his process or even agree with his methods but I personally believe that he always have out best interest at heart. I said good bye to my mother thirteen years ago but I kept the pain and anger, so now I am ready to let the go as well.
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