If you ever really read one of my earlier posts or my book, " This is Me..", then you know that for most of my life like most people I have dealt with insecurities. So, when Beyonce's released her new album and this song was track one, I literally broke down the first time I heard it because people sometimes think that insecurity just stems from not liking what you see in the mirror but it comes from a much deeper place than that.
Within in the chorus Beyonce sings, " Trying fix something but you can't fix what you can't see, it's the soul that needs a surgery". Listening to that part alone made we want to right this this blog because I think a lot of us need to schedule an "soul surgery", mines personally took my two and a half years but I did it. I have made peace with what the source of my insecurities where which for me where part societal and part familial.
I never been the girl that really cared much for societal norms in fact I spent my life trying break down stereotypes but I would be lying if I said that I didn't want compliments on how I looked because everyone wants to be told that they are "beautiful". Well, in my case by the time I was being told I was beautiful I didn't believe it because for so long through actions which may have been conscious and unconscious, I was told that beauty and brains don't mix, to focus on school, that I was fat and fat was not considered pretty. So, with these thoughts tattooed on my soul for so long when someone paid me a compliment I thought it was because they wanted something from me. I was conditioned to believe that I wasn't pretty so in my heart I felt like I wasn't enough and because I felt that way, I began to put the needs of others over the needs of myself. My soul and my mind was so warped that I felt in order to fully loved by anyone that I had to overcompensate for my lack of beauty or the extra skin that hand off my belly. I was killing myself slowly and didn't even know it until I literally tried killing myself. BOOM... there it goes, you don't do what I do help others and put your life on display unless you are willing to get completely naked. The pain that I carried of not being pretty, not being skinny, not being ENOUGH mixed with the grief and pain of loosing my mother sent me into a deep depression for about 13 years and sad thing is people closest to me never even noticed. Until I checked myself into psych ward about 2 years ago because I began spiralling and I couldn't catch myself, I looked into the mirror and saw NOTHING worth saving. That's when my soul surgery began and it has not been easy and often times I relapse but I am much healthier and happier now with ALL OF WHO I AM. I know that I am MORE THAN ENOUGH .. I AM EXCEPTIONAL.
My father who has always been my champion, use to place me in front of the mirror and ask me " what do you see?", I use to always give him so half hearted BS to make him feel like he was doing a good job which he was, yall know I love my POPS!! But until I finished completely with my soul surgery, I can say that " I Love who I see in the mirror from the inside out". I love all of you and I want you all to love yourselves.
Within in the chorus Beyonce sings, " Trying fix something but you can't fix what you can't see, it's the soul that needs a surgery". Listening to that part alone made we want to right this this blog because I think a lot of us need to schedule an "soul surgery", mines personally took my two and a half years but I did it. I have made peace with what the source of my insecurities where which for me where part societal and part familial.
I never been the girl that really cared much for societal norms in fact I spent my life trying break down stereotypes but I would be lying if I said that I didn't want compliments on how I looked because everyone wants to be told that they are "beautiful". Well, in my case by the time I was being told I was beautiful I didn't believe it because for so long through actions which may have been conscious and unconscious, I was told that beauty and brains don't mix, to focus on school, that I was fat and fat was not considered pretty. So, with these thoughts tattooed on my soul for so long when someone paid me a compliment I thought it was because they wanted something from me. I was conditioned to believe that I wasn't pretty so in my heart I felt like I wasn't enough and because I felt that way, I began to put the needs of others over the needs of myself. My soul and my mind was so warped that I felt in order to fully loved by anyone that I had to overcompensate for my lack of beauty or the extra skin that hand off my belly. I was killing myself slowly and didn't even know it until I literally tried killing myself. BOOM... there it goes, you don't do what I do help others and put your life on display unless you are willing to get completely naked. The pain that I carried of not being pretty, not being skinny, not being ENOUGH mixed with the grief and pain of loosing my mother sent me into a deep depression for about 13 years and sad thing is people closest to me never even noticed. Until I checked myself into psych ward about 2 years ago because I began spiralling and I couldn't catch myself, I looked into the mirror and saw NOTHING worth saving. That's when my soul surgery began and it has not been easy and often times I relapse but I am much healthier and happier now with ALL OF WHO I AM. I know that I am MORE THAN ENOUGH .. I AM EXCEPTIONAL.
My father who has always been my champion, use to place me in front of the mirror and ask me " what do you see?", I use to always give him so half hearted BS to make him feel like he was doing a good job which he was, yall know I love my POPS!! But until I finished completely with my soul surgery, I can say that " I Love who I see in the mirror from the inside out". I love all of you and I want you all to love yourselves.
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