Missing You

This is by far the hardest thing I must write in a while but the only way to get through is to go through. So here I go Mother’s Day this year was the hardest. You may ask how your mother has been dead for 18 years now but it still hurts but this year was different because my paternal grandmother wasn’t here. It was like a double heart break and although I spent the day with my maternal grandma my heart was still aching. I have tried since she passed away to cope to implement the tools she instilled in me on how to deal with death. Never question God and I haven’t. Trust God’s word and I have. My grandma taught me so many lessons, she has so much faith in me, in family but the one thing she never taught me was how to live with her.

When she passed away I asked the question, “How do you heal your hurt, when your hero dies?”  I wish I had answer but I don’t and have been slowly spiraling that has come to a silent but emotional head on Mother’s Day.  I have going to through the motions in slow motion in my mind and not truly not wanting to move because I don’t want to come to the realization that she was no longer with me. My grandma always had a calming effect on me, she was always knowing I never had to say anything or express myself she just knew and being in her presence gave me peace. Although, she will apart me I just couldn’t give up that peace until I looked at life.

She wouldn’t be happy with me, I am living a half-life and although I know that I will forever be missing in her I must make peace with it and let her truly peace. It hurts like hell but now there is nothing left for me to do but say see you later Grandma and tell my momma I love and miss her too.