The Rebirth

Most people even those who are closest to me don’t know that I almost died before my eighteenth birthday actually it was about a week before spring break of my senior year. I don’t talk about it much but it was the event that I believed shaped my adult hood and not totally in a good way. Since, that day I have lived with constant nightmares of that night, that week, that entire two years of my life afterwards.

So, in order to truly move pass it , if you don’t mind I have to take you through it, I remember that day vividly I had a cold but I went through an entire day at school and although I felt sluggish it was business as usual. I remember coming home hanging with my siblings and my father, then I went upstairs to my room. I got sicker and it felt like a regular asthma attack and then I made my way downstairs and it got worse. The last things I remember from that night, I went down stairs to get my dad and I remember fighting for air, the last thing I said before I passed out was “Daddy help me”.  I felt myself slipping away, I felt myself take what I thought was my last breath.

From what I was told, I was rushed to MCV hospital, I remember waking up for a brief second in the trauma room to the bright lights and that’s when things got spiritual. I had a dream it was more like a being a board room, my mom was there, my great grandmother Mozelle was there and a I was there but it was the younger version of me, which I think now was how my mind interpreted what GOD would look like.  I had very long conversation with each of them and I wont go into detail but the collective was, “It’s not your time, you have so much to do” and then I woke up and it’s three days later, my cousin Jamel was braiding my hair and I had two red bands in my eyes from where my blood vessels broke in my eyes from the lack of oxygen. When I looked in the mirror and saw that it helped me realize how close I was to death.

For the first time I couldn’t persevere, instead I buried it and I have carried around with me for the last nine years. I have ruined countless relationships, been afraid of pursuing my dreams, and even isolating myself. All because I was afraid of dying like my mom did not want to leave people to hurt like I was still hurting but instead of dying physically, I began to kill myself mentally emotionally and socially.  Traumatic events in life can have ever lasting effects that if not treated, if not confronted can cause even more damage can occur. I have lived the last nine years of my life in a prison of my own making and I always had the key to unlock the door but I was afraid until about two months ago.

I felt myself trying to get back on the right path but there was this nagging feeling that I had, I just couldn’t get right. I felt like every time I got on my feet then I just fell back down but in truth I was tripping myself up. I have learned so much in this last year in a half of my life, I have grown, purged a lot, hurt, and forgave but for some reason this even in my life, I couldn’t let go and because I couldn’t I was living my life  only half heartily not truly fulfilling the purpose GOD placed me hear to complete.

My mom died of an Asthma attack and the same disease that almost took my life and my asthma is ten times worse then her, so that justified my paranoia. Today, I was confronted with a flood of my emotions and I actually had a waking nightmare of the dreadful night but I wasn’t seventeen I was twenty six.

So, I did what I did best I went to talk to my dad, I didn’t give him these details but I we spoke and I realized that I was ready to confront this and let it go for good. True I almost died, I lived a year with a tracheotomy, I had to have a surgery to rebuild my trachea and I still have asthma. But I am alive which means that GOD has plans for me.

So, I pray for and ask for forgiveness from anyone who I ever held at bay or hurt just because I didn’t want to get to close to me,  I had so many missed opportunities but I believe that what GOD has for me is still just for me. In the words of my boy Jay Z, “Life is a gift, just got to open it up”