Having moment of weakness or uncertainty does not make you weak or less of an believer. It just makes you human. Sometimes I feel like my soul, my essence were drafted in this battle between the young lady I am and the grown woman I want to be. Don't get me twisted I appreciate all that I have, all that I have accomplished and even the mistakes that I have made. I thought for awhile I thought I was truly happy but then I realize in order to be happy I had to have something happenings and that's when the battle ensued.
About two months ago I got sick and I thought it was just another asthma episode but it was so much more, I was drowned in a sea of medical diagnosis and medications that I could pronounce only because I studied medical books as a child. I believe that is when the battle began when I was face to face with my own mortality (no worries I have nothing fatal) but it made me realize that my life was missing something. So, I set out on the mission for a 360 change, you know mentally, physically,spiritually and even socially. I started off great cutting off my fast food intake , dropping some emotional baggage and even some physical pounds but still wasn't filling this void.
However this weekend I happened to get sick again and I found out someone maybe trying to still my identity. Not a test result or phone call I got was in my favor. I began to fall apart my doctor said it was a symptoms but I knew it was me It was me, I was a mess mentally,spiritually, and emotionally falling apart but to the outside world, I appeared alright but I wasn't I am NOT OK.
Then yesterday, a young man that I love and will always be like my first born told me that I changed his life and that gave me strength to take of my mask and I cried for like eight hours strait but it was like rain washing away the build up that was on my soul. I wanted to be that person that touched so many young lives. But that girl is gone but the person I am is miserable with intermissions of happiness. I have become a slave to worldly things instead of mastering my own DESTINY.I think of how many young lives I could of changed and the ones that I neglected it makes my soul aches.
But I know now that i can't continue to live in the shadow of my own dreams, living waiting to die or allowing diagnosis to dictate my life. Both my fathers said that I was destined for GREATNESS but it's not enough to just to want it, I have to believe it.
To all of my volunteers, I am so sorry that I let you guys down, I can't go back and undo the past and we had some great times and made greater memories. Know that you guys are loved by me and I am still here finding my way back to you all.
About two months ago I got sick and I thought it was just another asthma episode but it was so much more, I was drowned in a sea of medical diagnosis and medications that I could pronounce only because I studied medical books as a child. I believe that is when the battle began when I was face to face with my own mortality (no worries I have nothing fatal) but it made me realize that my life was missing something. So, I set out on the mission for a 360 change, you know mentally, physically,spiritually and even socially. I started off great cutting off my fast food intake , dropping some emotional baggage and even some physical pounds but still wasn't filling this void.
However this weekend I happened to get sick again and I found out someone maybe trying to still my identity. Not a test result or phone call I got was in my favor. I began to fall apart my doctor said it was a symptoms but I knew it was me It was me, I was a mess mentally,spiritually, and emotionally falling apart but to the outside world, I appeared alright but I wasn't I am NOT OK.
Then yesterday, a young man that I love and will always be like my first born told me that I changed his life and that gave me strength to take of my mask and I cried for like eight hours strait but it was like rain washing away the build up that was on my soul. I wanted to be that person that touched so many young lives. But that girl is gone but the person I am is miserable with intermissions of happiness. I have become a slave to worldly things instead of mastering my own DESTINY.I think of how many young lives I could of changed and the ones that I neglected it makes my soul aches.
But I know now that i can't continue to live in the shadow of my own dreams, living waiting to die or allowing diagnosis to dictate my life. Both my fathers said that I was destined for GREATNESS but it's not enough to just to want it, I have to believe it.
To all of my volunteers, I am so sorry that I let you guys down, I can't go back and undo the past and we had some great times and made greater memories. Know that you guys are loved by me and I am still here finding my way back to you all.
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