Letting Go...

 Last night as I set in the wings of St. Paul’s Baptist Church with my sister flanking me. As I sat there and let the message that Dr. Watson was feeding my soul about how in order to move forwards you have to let go. He said you have to bury your past completely before you can truly enjoy your present for your future has not yet to come.  Listening to these words I felt something in my soul snap as 30 years of baggage of pain and confusion started to flood my mind and soul and something in me snapped. I realized before I can truly enjoy my breakthrough, I would have to first allow myself to break down completely and bury the past. Its only one way I know how to do that and that is to allow my hands to hit these keys.

No one will know it to look at me or to even converse with me that I am silently suffering in the inside. Ever since I was child, I felt like I was a magnet for bad stuff to happen to me and somewhere I just learn to accept it but never show it to the outside world because I never want anyone to see me as a weakling instead I created a world in my own mind as an escape almost like a vault where I would put the hurt and pain and show the world what they wanted to see.  I was a little older than my niece the first time someone touched me inappropriately, my family lived in the apartment complex we were playing and I wondered in the laundry mat that was empty or so I thought. I was cornered and fondled and all I could do was cry, I was threatened that if I told someone that they would take me away from my family. My grandma being a foster parent I knew that was entirely possible, so I never said a word. I locked it up in the vault but it put a stain on my soul. How I perceived people never trusting anyone not totally but it along with some childhood traumas  triggered my insecurities. I was fat, I had asthma and I no matter what anyone could say to me I felt hideous to the point where I never really looked at myself in the mirror. I was dying in the inside but on the outside I was just an average girl.  I had befriended the darkness to the point where pain, anger and disappointment where my friends telling me to pretend to be happy or I would just ruin everyone else around me. The darkness had me believing that if I talk to my parents or anyone that I would be taken away, so I never did. I would rather live with the pain than live without my family.

My mother died when I was 13 and if you know the story of me and her then you will know why I felt so guilty when she dies because there were times when we were argue and I would straight out say, I wish you would die or I would wish I would die. So, when she passed I felt like the lowest person alive because of that it didn’t allow me to grieve properly, I was angry because I felt like God should have taken me instead, I still do at times. Two months after that I met Wil, he was everything I didn’t want but somehow I needed. He became my shield someone to talk to , to lean on but even when he said he loved me I would say it back but I didn’t believe him a part of me felt like I didn’t deserve love . A month after meeting him I had an asthma attack and was hospitalized and also diagnosed with depression. A diagnosis my family didn’t do anything with, I was just told to be stronger and trust god more. Which I thought I was doing as I went through high school excelling, doing great things in the community accomplishment after accomplishment but my senior year I suffered a severe asthma attack where I felt myself take what I though was my last breathe, I never told my family this but although I was not ready there was something comforting in that darkness that finally I could just stop the pain. I woke up 3 days later and instead of dealing with the life changing event I put back on my mask and pretended like I was fine like I didn’t just die even if it was less than minute. After that ordeal, caused other complications where I ultimately had a tracheotomy that lasted a year in which I still attended college and had reconstructive surgery on my trachea but my scar is still there a constant reminder,

My life has not been all bad, I mean I am educated, did some great things, helped a lot of people but that’s just a testament to my strength because I could of done so much more if I allowed myself to let go of my past I mean to truly let go of it. In 2012, I was admitted into a mental health care facility where I stayed for a week and was diagnosed with major depressive disorder but again I refused to take the medication, I did talk to a therapist who later diagnosed me with major depression disorder with bipolar tendencies whatever that meant. I stop going to her after that I just prayed more, started to cultivate a name for myself “Coach Destiny” building business and publishing books but that dark void was still there. My life has always been in this circle where I would do well for a year and then I would have a mental breakdown, I would suck it up and repeat until this year.

Sitting in that church last night I realized that I cannot continue to just exist that I have to live that God has done amazing things for me in spite of the baggage that I have been carrying but he can do so much more if I truly once and for all just let it go. So, that is what I am doing, to those people who hurt me both physically and emotionally I forgive you and I pray that your life is blessed. To my family and my friends whom I love with all my heart I pray that you can all forgive me for not giving you all the chance to help me through my pain. To the love of my life Wilbur Poag thanks for always being a friend and a companion and my secret holder although many may never get it I  am thankful for you being in my life. To my dad and my siblings I pray that you all can forgive me for not trusting you but I felt guilty I felt like I took away mom from yall and the pain and heartache was my punishment. 

Lastly, I pray that God forgives me for all of my transgressions, my past sin and my current state of sin. I pray that you allow your light to shine and penetrate my soul. I have decided to stop carrying this baggage that it is time for me to let it all go and start to live. I have also accepted that it will not be an easy task and will require a lot of hard work on my part especially. So, as of today I have decided that I will admit myself into treatment program because although my ego won’t allow me to admit it I need the extra help to break the cycle. 

I didn’t publish this for pity or empathy because all that I been through has lead me here although not perfect its God will. I published this for the world because although at times I felt so alone I know that there are others out there who are like me dealing with Depression but whether it be their own guilt, family values or just plain stubbornness. I am just letting you know that you are not alone and that it is perfectly okay to ask for help.

I love you all as to see I may not be writing or online for a long while I want you all to know that life is a precious gift and it may not always be rainbows and sunshine but it doesn’t have to be storms and hurricanes either.

Coach Destiny