Scared of Lonely

If you are following me on any social media then you know that I am in the process of writing a book which is called “bare Soul” everything about this book is raw as it is a collection of journal entries and life trials but most importantly it’s a way to for me to heal and also truly discover myself. The one thing I have drawn from my current set of pages is that I am indeed scared of lonely.

There is a difference between being lonely and being alone. Although, I need the definition in my mind and how I lived my life conflicted with that. You see ever since I can remember I have always been in the group, I have never really truly lived alone, my family is big and I have never worked a job that required solitude. But if you ask me or people close to me, they would say I never go out, I prefer being in the house by myself but yet my worse fear is being alone or is it?  When my mom died if created void inside of me and I was and at times still am afraid of losing something precious to me, or not being there when someone I love needs me.

 I had created this cycle of destruction never truly ever letting myself evolve and I didn’t understand until I started going the spiraling cycle at the end of 2015 and this time it was different almost as if God intervened and said enough is enough. I felt as if my life was crumbling all around me and for all intensive purposes it was but during the devastation around I had to face something I had been hiding from since 1999. MYSELF... the void my mother death left was not her leaving my here alone because in truth I prefer being alone and my family is to close knit or me to ever be truly alone but what she did leave was lonely.

Loneliness as simple as a fix as it might seem is what has been spur in my saddle for the last 17 years. I never want to feel that empty or that hurt. So, I start things and I build relationships but when it gets to intense I bail out. I sabotage my own happiness out of fear that things and people I invite in my one day leave me lonely.

Loneliness can be crippling especially when it comes from the loss of loved one and it is something that we all will have to eventually experience in life but we don’t have to let it scare us from being the best version of ourselves. The only way to combat loneliness is by living your life to fullest. No, it won’t be all rainbows and sunshine but it will be worth it and more importantly it’s your story to the world.