The one thing about being medicated is that it makes your mind race but more importantly for me, it works on reverse so I am mostly knocked during the nosiness of the day and up in the silence where my mind can find solace. Few people know this about me and the few that do , truly don't know all the details and honestly until now I was content with not sharing mainly because I was afraid and I have been living in fear for the last 10 years, not afraid of dying because that day will come but afraid of not living, or leaving someone to mourn for me, some child, my child to hurt like I've hurt.
You see a little over 10 years ago I had a really lethal asthma attack, I never told anyone this but I looked up my medical record for that night and I my heart had stopped pumping and I was not breathing for one minute and forty five seconds, for about the time it'll take you to reread that statement I has dead. Then I was revived and rushed into the trauma room where the real fight for my life began. I remember that day, I went to school for intensive purposes I was okay, I came home did my usual routine and then I had this fit of coughing, went downstairs to get my dad and from there it got progressively worse, I remember the last thing I said before I passed out was " Daddy please help me", I remember fighting so hard to just breathe, trying to wait for the EMT to get to the house, then something coming over me it's like I surrendered and I went into the darkness. I remember then waking up for a splint second in which I saw bright lights, tubes, needles, and machines and then I slipped back under. It was like a dream and I went into this room where I saw these people from past who had already died but no one would say anything to me, then Sherrod a young man whom I truly cared about who had just passed away in October 2003, grabbed my hand and took me this room almost like a doctor's office, he set me down and then he left, Then I saw my mother and for a split second I just knew that I was gone and then she said to me " Is this is what you really want? Do you really want to leave everyone you love because you don't know how to let me go". " I love you but it's not your time?" I woke up three days later, I woke up but a real part of me has been stuck in that dream world.
Then until this week happened to me, I know that I put a lot of pressure on myself to try and do the right thing even if it means sacrificing myself and my happiness or at least I thought that's what I was doing. It's weird how GOD works about a month ago I took a leave of absence from my job because honestly I was burnt out, I was just fed up and I wanted to follow my dreams and then life got in the way of that, so I was about to just go back to work, suck it up and conform to this life that I was living and then Easter sunday came and I prayed the entire week trying to figure out what to do, where do I go from here and then Sunday I could feel GOD and then Monday the battle pursued I had been dealing with gallbladder, my thyroid and some other issues for awhile now but I have also been trying to find ways to be treated without going into surgery. You see the asthma attack in 2003, left me with some narrowing in my trachea and what was suppose to be exploratory surgery left me with a tracheaostomy which is hole in my voice box for about a year, I could never shake that feeling of going into the surgery no knowing but still full of hope and waking with not able to talk and feeling hopeless. Although, after another reconstructive surgery a year later that feeling that fear has always stayed with me. Then, Wednesday came I don't know if you ever had gallstones or kidney stones or have ever been in so much pain where it just hurt to breathe and I was dealing with it, taking the high dosage narcotics anything trying to avoid surgery until Wednesday, when my pain outweighed my fear, I had a decision to make, I was alone and I had a decision to make, I made it and although it took them thirty additional minutes to take out my breathing tube and I know I am in for a long run of medical Olympics and I am sore, I am not scared anymore.
They put me under I woke up stronger emotionally then I did when I went into the surgery room, I was young ten years ago hadn't even graduated high school, I wasn't ready to say goodbye in truth my faith just wasn't that strong. But now, although I am still a work in progress I can own and accept the fact that GOD not only has a plan for my life and although it maybe entangled in the lives of others that it mirrors the lives of none. My mother will always be the greatest love and lost of my life and although we are very similar my life path is not hers and vice versa. So, now it's time for me to start living like it.
I know that someone is going through something and you are feeling like you have no way out, so you do the bare minimal in life, hoping , scraping and praying just to get by but it begins to feel like you are living in this cycle doing the same things over and over again but praying for something to change but yet to afraid to change it yourself. We have come full circle, accept the pass for what it is, a lesson learn, don't worry about your future it has already been written but be the best person you can be now, appreciate the gift of life that GOD has given you today. You will see you share of storms, you will endure you share of heartache and pain but you will also feel joy and happiness and have grace and favor only if you allow yourself to do so. Trust GOD because he loves you and will never stop loving you even when you are not sure on how to love yourself. Trust him and let him cover you and you will become fearless in his word, he makes no mistakes and he makes no junk, so be content and happy in the masterpiece that he has created and that you call your life.
You see a little over 10 years ago I had a really lethal asthma attack, I never told anyone this but I looked up my medical record for that night and I my heart had stopped pumping and I was not breathing for one minute and forty five seconds, for about the time it'll take you to reread that statement I has dead. Then I was revived and rushed into the trauma room where the real fight for my life began. I remember that day, I went to school for intensive purposes I was okay, I came home did my usual routine and then I had this fit of coughing, went downstairs to get my dad and from there it got progressively worse, I remember the last thing I said before I passed out was " Daddy please help me", I remember fighting so hard to just breathe, trying to wait for the EMT to get to the house, then something coming over me it's like I surrendered and I went into the darkness. I remember then waking up for a splint second in which I saw bright lights, tubes, needles, and machines and then I slipped back under. It was like a dream and I went into this room where I saw these people from past who had already died but no one would say anything to me, then Sherrod a young man whom I truly cared about who had just passed away in October 2003, grabbed my hand and took me this room almost like a doctor's office, he set me down and then he left, Then I saw my mother and for a split second I just knew that I was gone and then she said to me " Is this is what you really want? Do you really want to leave everyone you love because you don't know how to let me go". " I love you but it's not your time?" I woke up three days later, I woke up but a real part of me has been stuck in that dream world.
Then until this week happened to me, I know that I put a lot of pressure on myself to try and do the right thing even if it means sacrificing myself and my happiness or at least I thought that's what I was doing. It's weird how GOD works about a month ago I took a leave of absence from my job because honestly I was burnt out, I was just fed up and I wanted to follow my dreams and then life got in the way of that, so I was about to just go back to work, suck it up and conform to this life that I was living and then Easter sunday came and I prayed the entire week trying to figure out what to do, where do I go from here and then Sunday I could feel GOD and then Monday the battle pursued I had been dealing with gallbladder, my thyroid and some other issues for awhile now but I have also been trying to find ways to be treated without going into surgery. You see the asthma attack in 2003, left me with some narrowing in my trachea and what was suppose to be exploratory surgery left me with a tracheaostomy which is hole in my voice box for about a year, I could never shake that feeling of going into the surgery no knowing but still full of hope and waking with not able to talk and feeling hopeless. Although, after another reconstructive surgery a year later that feeling that fear has always stayed with me. Then, Wednesday came I don't know if you ever had gallstones or kidney stones or have ever been in so much pain where it just hurt to breathe and I was dealing with it, taking the high dosage narcotics anything trying to avoid surgery until Wednesday, when my pain outweighed my fear, I had a decision to make, I was alone and I had a decision to make, I made it and although it took them thirty additional minutes to take out my breathing tube and I know I am in for a long run of medical Olympics and I am sore, I am not scared anymore.
They put me under I woke up stronger emotionally then I did when I went into the surgery room, I was young ten years ago hadn't even graduated high school, I wasn't ready to say goodbye in truth my faith just wasn't that strong. But now, although I am still a work in progress I can own and accept the fact that GOD not only has a plan for my life and although it maybe entangled in the lives of others that it mirrors the lives of none. My mother will always be the greatest love and lost of my life and although we are very similar my life path is not hers and vice versa. So, now it's time for me to start living like it.
I know that someone is going through something and you are feeling like you have no way out, so you do the bare minimal in life, hoping , scraping and praying just to get by but it begins to feel like you are living in this cycle doing the same things over and over again but praying for something to change but yet to afraid to change it yourself. We have come full circle, accept the pass for what it is, a lesson learn, don't worry about your future it has already been written but be the best person you can be now, appreciate the gift of life that GOD has given you today. You will see you share of storms, you will endure you share of heartache and pain but you will also feel joy and happiness and have grace and favor only if you allow yourself to do so. Trust GOD because he loves you and will never stop loving you even when you are not sure on how to love yourself. Trust him and let him cover you and you will become fearless in his word, he makes no mistakes and he makes no junk, so be content and happy in the masterpiece that he has created and that you call your life.
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