Perfect Imperfection

Sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm not getting any younger waiting for life to happen to me instead of getting up and living it. GOD, I cry out, why am I so fearful when I know that you will always take care of me. So, here I am asking you to take away all the past pain, the present hurt, and all the fear. I don't want to suffer anymore; I am tired of the struggle I just want to live a full life of joy and prosperity. At time, GOD I feel like at any given moment that I will just tumble over and die. When did I become this weak? When I was younger I really dreamed the impossible dreams but then I actually went out and lived them. I have accomplished a lot but somewhere between growing up, the need for money, sex, education, personal relationships, life's drama and DEATH. I became afraid to live. I still dream but they're empty. A dream without drive is like life with no purpose, it just leaves you lost. Or in my case it leads you to create an alternate reality where you trick yourself into believing that everything is just fine even when it's really not. But no matter how much you fight it or pretend it doesn't exist eventually you have to face your reality. My reality is that I have spent the last ten years of my life waiting to die. I have worn some many different masks, trying to please so many different people. That I use to look in the mirror and couldn't recognize the person looking back at me. Living scared is just like being a zombie.

As I write this I reflect on the last six months of my life and even though I feel like I stand on the edge of the cliff and I feel like I might loose everything including my mind. I am refreshed, rejuvenated, I feel like a newborn child given a fresh start at life. Somewhere in the midst of the chaos, I found myself. I found the girl who believed in going her own way. I found the strength to move mountains and when they don't budge I found the strength to climb them. I found peace of mind. I found the energy to stop asking for a breakthrough and to get up and meet GOD half way. I found that being alone is something I could never be as long as GOD reigns. I found the endurance to keep running this race even after I have stumbled over every hurdle. I found the time to actually see that every person with me is not for me. I found a quiet place to silence my surroundings so that I can hear GOD. I found the confidence to stand shoulders back and head high. I found my voice and the honesty in saying" My life is a MESS, I have made bad choices, decisions, and my life is not at all what I expected and nowhere near where I need to be" But here I stand a perfect imperfection.

Tonight my daddy said that life is already predestined. So, every move I have made regardless of how wrong, has led me exactly HERE! I heard if you want to make GOD laugh, then tell him your plans. So, with that I know I am right where he wants me to be. GOD gave me a gift with words and the strength to use my life experiences and trials as living work in progress testimony, so that others that are or have gone through something know that it'll be okay and that at times what we call STRUGGLE he calls BONDING. He's just trying to bring us closer to him and unfortunately some of us have to learn the hard way.